


Commercialized Destruction of the Youth

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-06-25
Updated: 2004-06-25
Packaged: 2018-12-26 20:07:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12066060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: This is a series where Brian explains his various views on seemingly innocent characters that children love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

“So it was fucking Smurfs that promoted the communist movement in America; therefore, my son will not be exposed to Commie brainwashing bullshit.”

“Brian, you’re being ridiculous. The Smurfs have been around since I was a kid. I used to watch the Smurfs and last time I checked, I wasn’t a Communist.”

“No...but you were a conformist that had latched onto every little tidbit that was programmed into you from then on. Really, that’s just as bad as being a Commie. If anything, you might as well have been a Commie. Not that you would have admitted to it had you been one anyway. They discourage that, you know. The only thing that saved you was the fact that I kindly allowed you to be sucked into my world where your reprogramming occurred.”

“Sucked into your world...? Reprogramming...? Communists...?! Are you hearing yourself? You sound like a crazy, paranoid old freak! I thought we had a few more years before the onset of senility.”

“Fuck you! I’m trying to protect my son from the unexpected dangers set upon the poor, unsuspecting, and in SOME cases INCOMPETENT population. Excuse me for trying to be a good parent.”

“Whatever Brian. I’m surprised you don’t believe that Smurfette is like, the Smurf town bicycle, playing the offspring factory to Gargamel’s Communism.”

“Gargamel’s Communism?? Are you kidding me?!? Have you not heard anything I’ve said?!?!Gargamel isn’t the leader of their sick little society. It’s Papa Smurf behind all their sneaky bullshit. Gargamel is the poor good guy. He represents democracy!! He’s trying to stomp out the Smurfs...stomp out communism!! And they fight it!! They won’t let him win!! They don’t want their communism stopped. They are fighting it with all their little Commie Smurf rage! In the mean time, by making him this huge, ugly, gross old man, he is portrayed as a horrible bad guy, therefore instilling into the children that democracy and our capitalist society is bad.”

“Ok...you’re really starting to scare me.”

“Look at Papa Smurf even. All the Smurfs wear white pants. Except for who? Oh yeah...that’s right. The ringleader. He wears red pants. The color of the revolution ...remember the red scare? And they were all his little drones. I mean, they all had their specializations in society. Just like a good little Communist society. The farmer grew the Smurfberries, the baker baked the Smurfberry pies, etc, etc...Besides...Smurfette was the town bicycle. She was living it up like the little slut she was. I mean, do you see any other female Smurfs? Honestly Justin...a 1500 on your SAT’s and you can’t see this? I mean...there are even websites documenting this shit.”

“CARTOONS!!! THEY ARE STUPID BLUE LITTLE MEN!!! FAKE BRIAN! FAKE!”

“I know that. I’m not stupid. What do you take me for Sunshine?”

*gaping blank look from Justin*

“Obviously you haven’t been fully reprogrammed. I think I need to um...plug into you and remedy this.”

“Argh!”


	2. Commercialized Destruction of the Youth

“Don’t think because I let you fuck me that it means I don’t think your out of your mind. Because I still do. Smurfs being communists…where do you come up with this shit?”

“Honestly Justin…you’d think that a boy as bright as you would make these connections. Next thing I know you’re going to tell me you don’t think Santa’s a Coke fiend.”

“Ok…first of all, Santa?! You have some crazy, fucked up idea about Santa?! And second, it involves carbonated beverages? You ARE out of your mind.”

“Not carbonated beverages Sunshine, but cocaine. And no, I don’t have a fucked up idea about Santa, but a logical idea of who formulated the story of Santa and for what reasons.”

“Oh please, enlighten me oh wise one. This has got to be good.”

“Ok…but first, I must say…are you really surprised? I mean, with a name like Kris fucking Kringle anyone would turn to drugs, but that’s not the point…”

“You mean this madness actually has one?”

“Don’t sass me Sunshine, or I won’t tell you shit. These are legitimate concerns of mine that have been brought about by extensive research into America’s image of Big Daddy Christmas.”

“Research?”

“Ok…maybe the word research is a bit extreme…but regardless. Do you want me to fucking tell you or not?”

“Fine, fine…yes, tell me, I’m actually curious now.”

“It‘s simple really, anyone with half a brain could see this. The idea of Santa was thought up by drug lords to increase their market and sales.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Why the fuck would drug lords want to create the image of a man like Santa and believe that it would help them sell drugs?”

“Well, he’s homey and so nice looking. Add the detail that he brings presents, and you’ve got the attention of all the fucking kids in the world. It’s genius really.”

“Yeah…ok, but you skipped the part where Santa and cocaine are linked.”

“Hello?! The man is addicted to blow. It’s so obvious. By being a user he is basically free advertising for them since he’s all over the fucking place. Incredible when you think about it; I mean, it’s such widespread exposure and they don’t pay a cent.”

“You are so delusional! Santa is not a coke fiend!”

“Fine Justin. You go on and believe whatever you want in your safe and sheltered little world. I, on the other hand, am not blinded by pretty little images. I know the truth.”

“Ok…fine. What “evidence” do you have that Santa is a drug addict? Tell me this much.”

“Alright…first off, mind you this isn’t the most important piece of evidence, but it is evidence none the less, the fact that his nose is red.”

“WHAT?! Brian, that’s ridiculous. His nose is red because of the fucking cold. Even your nose turns red when you’re outside in the winter.”

“I don’t do red. Especially not on my fucking nose. Anyway…the fact that his nose is always red is one indicator. I mean, when addicts are itching for a fix, they rub their noses. Remember Emmett telling us about Ted? How he always knew when he’d be nearing the end of his high because he’d flick his fucking nose. Thus, making it red from all the flicking.”

“Whatever…ok…his red nose. What next Obi Wan? Inquiring minds want to know.”

“Second, on what soft drink product do you see Santa’s red fucking nose plastered on every winter?”

“Oh Jesus…”

“Don’t you oh Jesus me. You’re just upset because you’re seeing that I have a point.”

“Ok, besides the name of the product, what’s so indicative about the fact that Santa is the spokesman for Coca-cola?

“Justin, don’t you know your product history? Coca-cola was laced with cocaine until around 1903 when they decided coke was addictive and harmful on top of the fact that it tasted bitter.”

“Whatever.”

“Read up on it Sunshine. The product name comes from the name of the Coca plant that the drug is derived from. How much am I paying for your education again? Clearly it’s too much…we’re being cheated.”

“Here’s one for you Brian. Santa’s fat. That discredits everything. I mean, when people are coke users they’re skinny. Explain that?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. They draw the motherfucker Justin, so they can make him anyway they want. Of course they aren’t going to draw a bony ass tweaked out looking son-of-a-bitch. How welcoming and homey is that? It’s bad enough that they give him the red nose and twinkle anyway.”

“The twinkle?”

“Yes Justin. Must I spell it all out for you? That little fucking twinkle they draw in his eyes. Who has eyes that twinkle like that. It’s unnatural…why? Because it is!! It’s a drug induced twinkle!”

“Good grief.”

“Finally…you want to know the most condemning thing out of everything?”

“Oh yeah. Tell me please or I’ll pee in my panties from suspense.”

“Who did they get to play Santa in those two movies The Santa Clause, and The Santa Clause 2?”

“Wasn’t it Tim Allen?”

“YES!! EXACTLY!”

“Ok, so what does Tim Allen have to do with all this?”

“Do you know what he was arrested for in 1978?”

“Oh brother… I can only guess…”

“Cocaine possession!! That’s right…it all comes together.”

“Can we just fuck again so I can forget that my boyfriend is a lunatic?”

“You’re just mad because I’m right. Don‘t worry Justin, one day you might be as smart as me.”

“Yeah…you’re smart…yet, lately, all we do is have extensive conversations about the hidden meanings of fictional characters. In fact, I’m the idiot because I’m the one that encourages it.”

“Enough talk you twat. I’m going to fuck you into tomorrow.”

“Promises, promises…”


End file.
